1) Penguins are cute. This one is a no-brainer and obviously very high up on the list. Penguins are freaking adorable. They are black and white and round-headed and flat-bottomed and they have sweet little tails. They look like little people in tuxedos. They're just fuzzy little cutie pies and I'd love to give a penguin a hug. So. Penguins are cute.
2) Penguins have cute babies. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BABY PENGUIN? Ball. Of. Fluff. SO cute. They're adorable. I want to kidnap them all and keep them in an icebox in my room. Why can't Mr. Popper's Penguins be real?? I want to be his kids, I want those freaking penguins!!! Then they could follow me around and love me and do tricks and be so cute! Because they really are adorable...
3) Penguins mate for life. Like swans but much cuter. They will pick one lovah and keep them. Baww. Someone once told me that penguins will give a rock to the penguin they want to stay with forever. I'm not sure if this is true. But it sounds really cute. I can just picture the skanky penguin trying to steal the pretty penguin's man and having pretty penguin be like "HELL TO THE NO HE'S ALL MIIINE, I HAVE A PEBBLE!"
4) Penguins have awesome fashion sense. And I'm not kidding! There are so many different kinds of penguins who have such cool head adornments, like the Rockhopper penguin, with crazy yellow spikes, or the Gentoo penguins with stripes. Google image search and get some fun pics. Seriously? Penguins are fantastical. They're like...the Lady Gaga of the snowy lands. And the non snowy lands too because not all penguins live in frigid weather. Sometimes penguins like to dress up in fancier clothing, such as ballgowns, clown suits, and other species of penguin costumes. This can get very confusing. But if you're an expert like me, you can tell the real from the fake. (I am the expert on the right of the picture, spotting the fake.)
5) Penguins make cool noises. Have you ever heard penguins make noises? You probably should. They're epic. I don't really know what to call it so I just get really lame and call it "Making Noises". Like a cat makes cat noises or a dog makes dog noises or a unicorn makes unicorn noises. (Similar to the noises of a horse but sparklier).
6) Penguins have a silly walk. In fact, they could probably join the Ministry of Silly Walks with John Cleese. Maybe they already have. All I know is they look silly and ridiculous when they walk, because they have barely any legs so they have to waddle. They're all pudgy, those penguins. Penguin walking is a skill everyone should master. For a tutorial, watch Mary Poppins and pay attention to the penguins serving lunch, then when Bert tries to dance with them. Note the pulling down of the pants? It comes as no surprise that in a recent poll, people who have the easiest time impersonating penguin walks happen to be teenage boys.
7) Penguins can swim SUPER fast. Like. Really really fast. A penguin is like a bullet. Who cares if they can fly - it just means they can swim under ice for a really really really long time and never have to come up. It's super special and extra magical. Scrumptious, really. But penguins are not good to eat for dinner. They're not that kind of scrumptious. Penguins are friends. And if you hurt them, they'll swim really sneakily under your cruise ship, and then they'll jump up and attack you. So. Don't hurt the penguins.
8) Penguins are great parents. They take care of their kids like nobody's business. See above comment about the cruise ship - if you hurt their babies? They will come get you while you're swimming. They're going to have to make a crossover movie between Jaws and Men In Black. They are going to bring. You. Down. So even more importantly, do not eat the penguin babies. I don't care how scrumptious they look or how many food-adjectives I use (I use a lot, like I use parentheticals.)
9) Penguins have magical powers. I swear on my life. Let's think about it. They are mentioned in the same post as unicorns, they actually are capable of parenting and looking really cool (more so than Kate of the Plus Eight variety) and they can swim really fast and they look really cool and they were alive before the dinosaurs and it really all adds up if you look hard enough. Squint your eyes and tilt your head to the right a little. Penguins are magic, just...trust me. How else would they get on the cruise ship, they can't fly, silly!
10) As I mentioned before, penguins were around before the dinosaurs. They hid it really well so hardly anyone knows but I speak all of the dialects of Penguin and they told me. Their ancestors were much fluffier and they were lots of different colors, but they adapted for camouflage after the dinos showed up because things started getting scary. You wouldn't believe the stories they can tell. Penguins have a very strong oral tradition and they know all the histories of all their ancestors. I mean just look at them, don't they look so wise?
11) Penguins are going to take over the world. This doesn't really need any explanation. They just are. I have several theories for how penguins, myself, and perhaps Harry Potter will all take over the world someday. It's not the kind of thing you need proof of. You just know, deep down in your heart. It's the reason you cry at the end of Titanic. (And if you don't cry at the end of Titanic you're not human.)
Why do YOU love penguins???
