Justin Bieber, you're making this very difficult

Dear Justin Bieber,

You are the first official letter I'm writing on my blog. And you should feel pretty special. Usually my letters are on my Facebook status updates and they're to inanimate objects, days of the week, or the creator of FB himself. And this letter is to express my frustration with you. You're making this post very difficult. I always sit down to blog with a general idea of what I'm going to write about, and my post was going to run something like this:

"Justin Bieber. His music scares me because he's scary. He's what, fifteen? Singing about one less lonely girl and how he was like baby baby baby, and he's in music videos with girls who look about ten years older than he does, and it's just horrific. He also has reduced millions of little girls to screaming messes, including my little sister, and it just does not look healthy. (Go on youtube and look up the three year old crying over him. Hilarious yet upsetting.)"

And I was going to go on like that and talk about how much I don't like your songs, how much your lyrics upset me, how much I can't stand your career and the waterbottle incident made me laugh. But I decided that I was going to look you up first and actually find out more about you before I just wrote a blog post about not liking you, and I wish I hadn't. Because Justin the truth is I actually have to admit I kind of respect you. I still hate your music, I still will never listen to it on the radio, I still will try to get my little sister to take your poster down out of her room.

But you apparently worked really hard to get this career, and it's something you've always wanted, and then boom you were discovered! And then the best part is? Now that you're famous you're actually doing some really good things with your money. I know a lot of celebs do this and I shouldn't sit here all surprised because it's the "in" thing to do right now, but it actually seems like you're really genuine about this and I'm pleasantly surprised to find it impossible to actually hate you as a person.

I'm still not going to endorse your music. I'm actually going to finish this post with a song analysis because I want to show the world that I still don't like your music. But Justin Bieber fans, don't take this personally. Justin, don't you take this personally either. Because you're a cool kid. (I can call you "kid" because I'm eighteen. I'm older than you.) Try writing some songs that have a little more depth to them okay? And you should probably not encourage this whole toddlers in love with you thing, because you're quickly turning into an epidemic. You already are an epidemic, you're a bigger problem than Twilight.

Just kidding that's a lie. Twilight will always be the biggest problem out there. Seriously? Stephenie Meyer is the one who needs the lesson about toddlers not being allowed to date the big kids. See the Baby Love post for more about that.

But Justin... just. Keep being a decent person and I'll keep respecting you. As much as it pains me to admit it.

No hard feelings!
Margaret

PS: It still amuses me that my sister's boyfriend was actually convinced that you were really Justina Bieber, and you were a girl. That will always amuse me. 

Justin Bieber Analysis Time
In keeping with the Taylor Swift analysis, I'm going to make the Bieber lyrics pink and italicized. My analysis will be in normal text. Of course it doesn't help that he sounds like a girl.

Alright let's go

Let’s go where? To the movies? To the mall? Roller skating? Alright tell your mom, she can drive us!

There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There’s a lot of repetition here. This is going to be less of an analysis and more of a commentary because there’s really no substance and I honestly don’t feel like responding to every single “One less lonely girl” in the song. It’ll get old really fast. Let me just point out here that Justin Bieber was like… how old, thirteen-ish, when this song came out? And I really don’t think he’s in a position to be singing about one less lonely girl because any girl his age should not be dealing with all of the nonsense about to unfold.

How many "I told you"s and "Start over"s and shoulders have you cried on before?
How many promises? Be honest girl
How many tears you let hit the floor?
How many bags you packed
Just to take them back?
Tell me that how many either "or"s?
Response: What. The. Hell. Preteen girls shouldn’t be dealing with this because they are thirteen years old. This is wrong. You should agree with me on this because you just should. Yes, I had major crushes when I was a silly little girl. But they weren’t serious enough to merit heartbreak and devastation on a legitimate level.

But no more if you let me inside of your world
There'll be one less lonely girl
How is she supposed to know you’re serious, because you’re writing a song about her? As you’d see if you read my post about Taylor Swift, writing songs about someone does not make you legitimate or serious. So. Prove it. (Leaving a treasure hunt for a clearly older girl in a music video doesn’t count either.)

(Oh oh) Saw so many pretty faces before I saw you (you)
Now all I see is you
I'm coming for you (I'm coming for you)
You just rhymed “you” with “you” and “you” – and there’s an echo! Clearly this song shows that J Biebz has lots of experience with those pretty faces, so be careful!

(No no) Don't need these other pretty faces like I need you
And when you're mine, in the world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
I’m sure you’re totally serious here. Completely. It’s just a little silly. At least you threw in “other” so the girl you’re singing to knows you really mean it when you call her a pretty face. This is exactly what girls like, being appreciated for their faces alone. You’re almost as bad as Taylor Swift.

I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
(I'm coming for you)
I'm gonna put you first
(I'm coming for you)
I'll show you what you're worth
That's what I'm gonna do
If you let me inside of your world
There'll be one less lonely girl
I don’t know if this song would make me want to let Justin Bieber inside of my world – this chorus is the same things he’s been saying over and over again. This is repetition, this is what I yelled at a kid in my class for the other day. Repetition is a very effective literary device, but not for an entire song. Okay?

Christmas wasn't merry, 14th of February not one of them spent with you
There is more to Christmas than having a boyfriend. And Valentine’s Day is overrated. Now not only are you being creepy, but you’re promoting the superficiality of holidays. Yay America!

How many dinner dates, set dinner plates

And he didn't even touch his food
Maybe he has an eating disorder?

How many torn photographs are you taping back?
So wait she’s taken back these guys who are awful to her? Yeah great. She’s really a keeper if she never learns that the bad guys are the bad guys.

Tell me that you couldn't see an open door
But no more, if you let me inside of your world
There'll be one less lonely girl
I wonder how many of those other guys who hurt this girl made the same promises that Justin Bieber is making right now?

(Oh oh) Saw so many pretty faces before I saw you, (you)
Now all I see is you
I'm coming for you (I'm coming for you)
(No no) Don't need these other pretty faces like I need you
And when you're mine in this world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl

There’s really nothing here. No substance. This is why I don’t like choruses in songs, they really create problems when I’m trying to analyze and respond. There’s nothing new to deal with here, and since the verse hasn’t changed its tone I can’t even take away some new deeper meaning. And modulation doesn’t count.

I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
(I'm coming for you)
I'm gonna put you first
(I'm coming for you)
I'll show you what you're worth
That's what I'm gonna do
If you let me inside of your world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl

I can fix up your broken heart (heart)

It’s so necessary to repeat everything after you say it, isn’t it? Makes it so much more effective.
I can give you a brand new start (start)
Another one? You already told her she has had to many “start over”s.

I can make you believe (ya)
I just wanna set one girl free to fall (free to fall)
One girl free to fall? Sounds like you’re settling, Justin.

She's free to fall (fall in love)
With me
Of course she is but will she? You probably sound just like everyone else. I’ve pointed this out already. I’m really starved for material here.
Her heart's locked and know what I got the key
I'll take her and leave the world with one less lonely
I hate it when in songs the narrative is changed from 2^nd to 3^rd. Now are you talking to a new girl? How is this going to make the first girl feel??? I don’t even get it. Chorus/verse do not sync up.

There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
I’m just going to start deleting choruses out of the song they’re really making this difficult.

I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl [x3]
There's gonna be one less lonely girl

(I'm coming for you)
I'm gonna put you first
Totally going to put her first. That’s all you need to do.

(I'm coming for you)
I'll show you what you're worth
That's what I'm gonna do
By writing a terrible song about her?

If you let me inside of your world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl

I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl (yeah yea) [x2]
I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
(I'm coming for you)
I'm gonna put you first
(I'm coming for you)
I'll show you what you're worth
That's what I'm gonna do
If you let me inside of your world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
We’re done. I have nothing more to say. This is such a boring song.

Only you shawty (haha)

You laugh and say shawty at the end of a song. Urban Dictionary defines “shawty” as a “FINE ASS GIRL” in all capital letters. It’s also said to be a term of endearment, but honestly the only term of endearment coming to mind is the line from that song – Trying to find a word to describe this girl without being disrespectful, but damn who’s a sexy bitch. (Because that is so respectful.)

This is definitely going to make some girl fall in love with you. Look, it already made little girls fall madly in love with you. Good job, Justin Bieber.

Operation: Other Cultures

I've decided that I don't like being an American. I mean it's cool and all, yay free speech, yay Obama, yay terrible singers who become famous just for using auto tune. But really? We're pretty ignorant about the world around us as a whole. You're probably aware of this epidemic if you're reading my blog, especially if you agree with me about things. You know. The things I've been talking about for the last month I've had this blog.

So I'm starting a project. Every month, maybe every two months depending on how much time this takes, I'm going to break the monotony of posts about my life and posts about my problems with America to do an in-depth immersion in the culture of another country. I'm starting with England because I have a friend in England who I want to have something interesting to read in this blog, but then I might start moving on to the other countries I have readers from - notably so far I've seen Canada, Denmark, and the Philippines with more than like 2 views each so I'm hoping it's not just an accident. Or you can tell me what countries you want me to learn about.

This immersion will be done with watching TV episodes from the country, reading their news, figuring out who their celebrities are and checking them out - you know, I'm doing this from a pop culture aspect. I'm determined to find a country with more intellect than the United States.

And I apologize if I'm accidentally dissing any of you guys reading this from the US, you do make up the bulk of my readership (OMG I HAVE A READERSHIP. It's pretty darn awesome. Also small but I love you anyway.) I do trust that you're educating yourself on what is good and what is bad, and I'm not calling you stupid. I'm calling most of the other people out there stupid. There's a difference.

Anyway. I'm officially declaring February to be England Month, and I'll pick March after that. You guys can help, if you come from the country I'm going to be talking about, post here or drop me a line on Twitter @CultureLessons to tell me what I should be checking out! And I'll give you my blatantly honest opinion. You know I will.

I Do Not Want To Clean My Room

So usually Mom bugs me about doing stuff. Sometimes it's homework which I procrastinate on, but more often than not it's to clean my room. I do not want to clean my room, it is messy and I like it that way. Some people don't believe me but truly, I prefer it. There are some other reasons why I don't want to clean my room, and all of them are very valid and normal reasons. Most of you will probably identify with one or the other as you continue to read.

1) I like my room the way it is. I've already said this. I'm comfortable in it, it generally does not hurt me, and we have a very healthy relationship. It wants to be messy. It's not like it's uninhabitable.

2) I know where everything is. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but if I put something on the floor by my dresser, I know when I get back it's still going to be right there on the floor near my dresser. Yes I could put it in my desk drawer but the point is, if I'm going to know where it is anyway it's far more accessible if it's on the floor outside my dresser than it would be hidden inside my desk drawers.

3) It's really fun to take bounding leaps over piles of things to jump into bed.

4) I never sit around in my super comfy chair being lazy - know why? Because my super comfy chair is where my clean laundry stays in nice folded piles until I have time to put it in my dresser. And the back of my super comfy chair is where I keep various sweatshirts/jackets/purses.

5) There is no way the monsters can get out of my closet, because unless I'm going into my closet it remains blocked by heavy boxes full of papers. This is a very important safety precaution.

6) Likewise, if a rapist ever tries to sneak into my room at night, he will fall over piles of books and yarn and break his leg before he gets to me. It's really for my own safety that I leave my room messy...

7) Cleaning takes more time than I have time for. I have a life and lots of things to do. Cleaning my room at this point would take hours, probably days. No thank you.

8) I have some really good opposite feng shui going on here, and changing the cleanliness would mean a major overhaul to make my room full of the "right" energy.

9) Cleaning my room would mean accepting the fact that my mother is "right" when she says it's better clean. Nope. It's better messy. I'm going to hold on to this.

10) If there is a fire, I do have an escape route through my room. I am perfectly capable of navigating and getting out. So don't worry it's not a hazard.

11) It's none of your business or her business if my room is perfectly organized or not.

12) I saw this on a t-shirt once, and after this I don't need any more reasons. Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

And of course now I'm being told I have to clean my room so I'm being kicked off the computer so I can't write you more reasons why I don't want to clean the room I have to go clean.

This is ridiculous. I'll write you a better post tomorrow.

How To Eat An Oreo Cookie

Going through my writing portfolios from when I was a young elementary school student, I stumbled across a fourth grade essay titled "How To Eat An Oreo Cookie." I read through it and actually distinctly remember writing the piece. It contains rather disgusting and elaborate steps for how to eat an Oreo, involving pulling the cookie apart, putting the pieces in a plastic bag, smushing them all together until it's a crumbled mess, then using milk to turn it into a paste and eating it with a spoon.

I'm not sure what was wrong with me in fourth grade.

Nobody eats an Oreo like that. I don't even eat Oreos like that, I made it up because I wanted to be 'original' and I was quite sure nobody else would write as messed up an essay as that. Clearly because they weren't as creative as me, and not because they were sane.

I've decided that there are several other perfectly acceptable ways to eat an Oreo that will work much better than my previously described method. Please don't try that way, I am not liable for any puking that occurs as a result. I do suggest the new ways, however. They could be very delicious. And yes, each way is very significant - don't try to tell me that an Oreo is an Oreo and it will taste the same no matter how you eat it. This is NOT TRUE. Don't listen to anyone who says so.

How To Eat An Oreo: Method I
(Roman numerals make everything look more official)

1. Remove Oreo cookie from package.
2. Insert cookie into mouth.
3. Take a bite.
4. Chew.
5. Swallow.
6. Repeat steps 2 through 5 until Oreo cookie has been consumed.
7. (Optional) Drink a glass of milk.

How To Eat An Oreo: Method II

1. Remove Oreo cookie from package.
2. Insert entire cookie into mouth.
3. Chew.
4. Swallow.
5. (Optional) Drink a glass of milk.

How To Eat An Oreo: Method III

1. Remove Oreo cookie from package.
2. Pry Oreo cookie into two separate cookie halves.
3. Use your teeth to scrape the filling off of the two halves.
4. (Optional) Eat the two chocolate cookie halves.
5. (If you skipped step 4) Throw the chocolate cookie halves away.
6. (Optional) Drink a glass of milk.

How To Eat An Oreo: Method IV

1. Do not remove Oreo from package. Do not eat Oreo. You are on a diet.
2. (Optional) Drink a glass of milk. 

How To Eat An Oreo: Method V

1. Remove two Oreo cookies from package.
2. Pull the first Oreo cookie apart.
3. Make sure all of the filling stays on one half of the cookie.
4. Throw the other half away.
5. Repeat steps 2-4 with the other cookie.
6. Put the two halves with filling together.
7. Place Oreo cookie in mouth.
8. Bite.
9. Chew.
10. Swallow.
11. Repeat steps 7-10 until Oreo is gone.
12. (Optional) Drink a glass of milk.

Hopefully, one of these methods will strike your fancy! Happy eating! If you have a method I didn't cover, feel free to enlighten me.

Life As We (Don't) Know It

So far leading in the poll on the right side of the page people most want to hear about my life and other peoples' lives. I'm not sure why you want to hear about my life, it's super boring. And I can tell you about other people but it might be very exaggerated and sarcastic. So I'm going to promote that little contest I tried to start a while ago but no one seemed to pay attention to :P First 25 followers on the blog (go over to the right, scroll down, click follow) will get their names thrown into a hat and one will be pulled out. The winner gets interviewed by me and then I will write a post about their life, making it even more over the top and awesome than I'm sure it already is.

To give you an example of what your life could look like, I'm going to humor my friend Linds who's been telling me I should write about her since I started this blog, and dedicate today's blog post to her and her insanity. She's got a bit of a bizarre existence. So bear with me and realize what cool friends I have.

Once upon a time, Lindsey and I hated each other. Well. That's a lie. Lindsey hated me and I was very confused as to why she hated me. Turns out she thought I had a perfect life and was mad at me for being so happy and positive all the time. What a hilarious concept. My life is far from perfect. Anyway we sat at the same lunch table but she wouldn't even talk to me she just...sulked at me. And I was so confused. I didn't understand that my perpetual bouncy optimism could be a bad thing to some people. And she was crazy anyway, but then one day we realized that we had a lot more in common than we thought and started talking. And then all of a sudden we were like best friends. At this point I don't even remember what happened to change things, when we started being friends, or any of that stuff. I just remember her hating me then her not hating me. 

To help you get to know Lindsey, I'm going to throw out some random and partially true facts about her. You can have fun guessing what is real. 

Lindsey loves ducks. She likes them a lot more than normal people do. In fact one of her favorite birthday presents was a sparkly pink duck that her sister gave her. Sometimes I think that she should just marry a duck and then her life will be complete. It's perfectly normal though, don't go thinking she's crazy or anything. She totally isn't. She's totally normal. She just loves ducks.

Lindsey ALSO loves ladybugs. It is really fun to give her a ton of ladybugs and watch her react. She's just so happy to be covered in swarms of them. Trust me. She won't be mad at you, she's not grossed out by them or anything. 

Lindsey decided once upon a time to spell her name Lyndsey instead. I don't know why she changed it back. It confused me very much in middle school because for a while I really wasn't sure how to spell it.

Lindsey likes to date crazy people. After she's done with the crazies, I openly hate them for the rest of their lives.

Lindsey is magical. This can be interpreted many different ways but I guarantee one of your interpretations is going to be correct.

Lindsey believes in unicorns just like I do! (I'm not alone! I knew I wasn't alone!)

Lindsey cannot cook. We tried to cook once and it went horribly, horribly wrong. This has lead to our habit of simply ordering food or myself cooking the food when we hang out. On New Year's Eve we stayed up late and ate Chinese food while we watched dumb and entertaining videos on Youtube. It was much better than us trying to do anything - we "tried" to make brownies and they got really gross and tasted bad. I still don't know what went wrong.

Lindsey is a professional ninja. I'm just kidding, of course. Coz if she were a ninja I wouldn't actually be able to tell you...there's that whole no one knows who are the real ninjas thing. Next time you're on the subway watch out, there could be a ninja watching you. That'd be rather terrifying wouldn't it?

Lindsey eats soap.

Lindsey hates mustard.

Lindsey doesn't like to wait for dumb people. She's the kind of person who will yell at you if you're taking too long to do something. Sometimes it's a little upsetting, especially if you're the person she's yelling at, but you just have to deal with it.

Lindsey is usually right when I ask her for advice about things.

And that is all I have to say for now about Lindsey. She is a very amusing person. If this keyboard worked a little better I would write a "Day In The Life Of" but maybe I'll edit that in later if I have time on the other computer that actually works.

See ya! (If you have questions for Lindsey you can leave them and I'll get them to her. Not that you will, but I mean in case you do.)

The Secret Meanings of Taylor Swift: Hey Stephen

You didn't know this before, but now you do: Taylor Swift songs are actually Stalker Songs. One of the best examples? Her song Hey Stephen, on her album Fearless. It fit perfectly at camp when we wanted to rewrite it into a song all about this lifeguard named Arthur that the ten-year-olds were in love with and followed around all day. Why? Because it's a natural stalker song...if you don't believe me, just look at the lyrics. I will reveal the hidden meaning to you with my pro analysis skills. (Keep in mind I have a year and a half of AP English under my belt.) But before that, let's get some background.

According to the interwebs, which frequently lie but are probably telling me the truth today, Taylor write this song about a singer named Stephen Barker Liles, whom she liked a lot once upon a time. Singer means everyone follows him around, loves him, and he gets lots of fan adoration. Granted Taylor is famous, and his band opened for her once so they definitely know each other. And she showed him the song once it was recorded. But. Um. I don't think he should have been honored - he should have run screaming from the studio. He was used, in the long line of men who have been the subjects of Taylor's songs. My mom once asked me, "How does she have that many guys to write songs about??" She moves around a lot. That's how. Also she writes about other peoples lives as well as her own. (Stalkerrr!)

Taylor's own description of the song runs as follows: "The song is actually about a guy who I had a crush on and never told him, so I wrote everything that I was thinking down in the song instead of telling him."

Now. Let's clarify. Yes, I'm aware that Taylor is capable of writing hit songs and going to number one on the charts just by releasing them. I know she has a huge fan following. And I know I don't have three best selling albums under my belt. I admire her ability to rise up in the world, because not everyone can do that. But I mean, really? If you actually look at the lyrics...yeah. No. Just. No. So don't leave comments saying "I'd like to see you write this many hit songs and get famous!" I will laugh at you for using the expression "get famous", and then I will write a post about how dumb you are, because I don't care! I'm doing this for my entertainment and the education of my readers. Not to say I'm better at being famous than Taylor Swift. (Though, I bet I would be...)

For clarity's sake, the lyrics to the song will be in italics & a color...we'll use pink. And my commentary will be normal.

Hey Stephen 

Hey Stephen, I know looks can be deceiving but I know I saw a light in you
So. Intro to the song. Looks are deceiving - does that mean he doesn't look like someone who she should normally go for? Is he a bad boy type who's dangerous? Or does it just seem that he has no idea who she is at all but she's telling herself that he may love her....? I think that's the case. It looks like he doesn't like her, but she's convincing herself that he might or does. 
As we walked we were talking and I didn't say half the things I wanted to
Alright they know each other. This is better than her not knowing him at all. They've spoken, exchanged words. Clearly the entire time, Taylor was holding back on these proclamations of devotion that she wanted to share with him. She probably just smiled and nodded a lot. And looked cute, Taylor likes looking cute.
Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window
I'll be the one waiting there even when it's cold
Great! This is the perfect way to express your love to your dream boy! It even comes across a little bit initially as "I love you the mostest!" But um. It's pretty terrifying. Of all the girls who stalk you, follow you, fangirl over you, and say they love you, I am the most persistent! I WIN!!! It's like it's a contest for her, and she has to be the best at everything. Including stalking. Also, tossing rocks at windows has always sounded kind of dangerous to me. What if the rock broke the window? That could cause some problems. I bet Stephen pulled down the shade, closed the curtains, and turned on music to drown out the pebble shower on his window. Or if we're not taking this literally, he's probably hiding somewhere.
Hey Stephen, boy you might have me believing I don't always have to be alone.
That's so lovely and sweet. He might have her believing she doesn't always have to be alone? Because out of the huge group of girls who adore him, she's the one who will stalk him the most, love him the longest, etc. Also she's already convincing herself that they're in love, as we saw from line one. So clearly this belief that she doesn't always have to be alone stems from her delusions about him caring for her. (By the way, Taylor could just lift a finger and have any guy she wanted, she's a country singer who has a huge male fan following for her looks and lyrics.)

'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
No, she really can't help it - nor can all the other girls who like him. I didn't know we were judging people on their appearances. My bad.
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Can you say cliché? Kissing in the rain is possibly the most stereotypical moment in a relationship and let me tell you it isn't always all it's cracked up to be. I had an ex once who I wanted to kiss in the rain, and he dropped me off home once but he wouldn't because he couldn't drive even though he was a junior in high school so his mom was watching and it was a super awkward not-really-a-kiss kiss, and I was devastated. Kissing in the rain is overrated and something girls like to dream about when they're building up a non-existant relationship in their heads. 
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
So clearly there's magic here that she's feeling, she pretty much comes right out and says it. But she has to ask him to come and feel it. He doesn't feel the magic. He doesn't like her. There is no plainer way to say it, Taylor. This guy will probably never like you. I hate to be the one to break it to you. And even if he does, given your history with men, you'll probably be over him and on to the next obsession by the time he tells you about it.
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself
This is ridiculous. She can't help it if she won't have feelings for anyone else? Taylor, by the time you released the song and were promoting it you didn't even like the guy anymore because you told him about it and showed it to him. You are not being devoted if you move on from your crush before you even release the song you wrote about him. It's very pointless. Of course you can't help yourself. You're a silly girl writing silly songs.

Hey Stephen, I've been holding back this feeling
So I've got some things to say to you
Yeah why exactly is she holding back this feeling? Because he doesn't like her, she knows it, and she's just being a silly little fangirl. Convincing herself that he'll love her and they'll be together forever and she's just so perfect for him.
I seen it all so I thought but I never seen nobody shine the way you do
Grammar has been thrown out the window for the sake of the song lyrics flowing, I'm sure. I'll excuse it with that because going into grammar right now would take me way too long and I still have this verse and a bridge to cover before I'm done. This might be the first part of the song with some substance. Only a little though. She think she's seen it all? Taylor Swift right now is what, twenty years old? And she was younger when she wrote the song. Awesome, by the time you're twenty you know everything and all your views are shaped and things can't change - or so she thought, until she met this Stephen character. And now she's complimenting him, because she's saying he shines. Yay! This might mean there's some depth to this song!
The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name
It's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change
MY BAD! I thought she was going for substance and reality here but apparently it's still all about the physical appearance. The way he walks and talks and the way he says her name. Not, oh, I don't know, his personality, or his charitable efforts, or his life choices, or his family background. Because singers absolutely love it when people go for them merely because of their appearance. Ask any celeb. That's what they'll say!
Hey Stephen, why are people always leaving
I think you and I should stay the same
This line, honestly, makes absolutely no sense. I don't understand it. It has nothing to do with the rest of the song, she's not even talking about him she's talking about other people. Why are people always leaving? Because reality is teen crushes don't always work out, people change, and grow, and live. And why would she want things to stay the same exactly? If he doesn't know about her feelings and will probably never like her, then I mean...why would she want that to stay the way it is? Yeah. That's what I thought.

'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself
You know how I feel about the chorus at this point. What the heck, Taylor? That's all I have to say. You're making a goose out of yourself with this song. Expressing your love for a person who you're just going to move on from? At least wait until you're in a relationship to write a song about specific people instead of just ideas and stuff.

They're dimming the street lights
So it's nighttime now, we're establishing setting! This is something new! 
You're perfect for me why aren't you here tonight?
Why isn't he there tonight, Taylor? Let's think about this. What have I been saying for the entirety of this song? This is ridiculous. You're a big girl you should know how these things work. Also, at this point he still has no idea how you feel in the first place because you haven't even tried to tell him. So you can't ask why he isn't there... 
I'm waiting alone now so come on and come out and pull me near
Shine, shine, shine
This is sweet, you think to yourself. She just wants him to come out and be with her. Come out of where, his house? Look up at previous line, where she's throwing rocks at his window. Stalker. She's still stalking him, this line clearly implies that she's standing outside of his house waiting for him to notice her, come out, and work his magic. So effective, I applaud your logic.

Hey Stephen I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you choose
Really? What are they, I'd love to know. So far all I've seen? Reasons why he's better off without you. 
All those other girls, well they're beautiful but would they write a song for you
Well you know what Taylor Swift? I think they might very well write songs for him, they just aren't famous recording artists so they can't get them out there to show him. And maybe some of them aren't beautiful. And maybe some of them have depth and appreciate him for more than the way he walks.

'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself
No. I'm done with this chorus, I hate it so much. Done.

Myself, can't help myself
I can't help myself.   
Dear Taylor, I know you're a stalker, so please don't take this personally...
The reason this guy doesn't like you? You're kind of acting like a freak...

And for the record apparently when she showed him the song he was super flattered and all, because Taylor Swift wrote a song about him. He was probably too busy realizing she's such a "Great Girl" who is now over him that he didn't even notice all the creepy lines. Way to go, guy. Way to go.

Penguin Awareness Day (Cute Baby Love)

I am not sure how many of you know this, but now all of you do! Today, January 20th, is National Penguin Awareness today, described as a day to celebrate and appreciate penguins from all over the world! So I thought I'd take some time to write you all a post about why I love penguins so much! There are many things most people don't know about penguins. In fact, I would consider myself one of the leading penguin experts of the day, so I feel the need to educate you. Penguins are amazing. Here is why.

1) Penguins are cute. This one is a no-brainer and obviously very high up on the list. Penguins are freaking adorable. They are black and white and round-headed and flat-bottomed and they have sweet little tails. They look like little people in tuxedos. They're just fuzzy little cutie pies and I'd love to give a penguin a hug. So. Penguins are cute.

2) Penguins have cute babies. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BABY PENGUIN? Ball. Of. Fluff. SO cute. They're adorable. I want to kidnap them all and keep them in an icebox in my room. Why can't Mr. Popper's Penguins be real?? I want to be his kids, I want those freaking penguins!!! Then they could follow me around and love me and do tricks and be so cute! Because they really are adorable...

3) Penguins mate for life. Like swans but much cuter. They will pick one lovah and keep them. Baww. Someone once told me that penguins will give a rock to the penguin they want to stay with forever. I'm not sure if this is true. But it sounds really cute. I can just picture the skanky penguin trying to steal the pretty penguin's man and having pretty penguin be like "HELL TO THE NO HE'S ALL MIIINE, I HAVE A PEBBLE!"

4) Penguins have awesome fashion sense. And I'm not kidding! There are so many different kinds of penguins who have such cool head adornments, like the Rockhopper penguin, with crazy yellow spikes, or the Gentoo penguins with stripes. Google image search and get some fun pics. Seriously? Penguins are fantastical. They're like...the Lady Gaga of the snowy lands. And the non snowy lands too because not all penguins live in frigid weather. Sometimes penguins like to dress up in fancier clothing, such as ballgowns, clown suits, and other species of penguin costumes. This can get very confusing. But if you're an expert like me, you can tell the real from the fake. (I am the expert on the right of the picture, spotting the fake.)

5) Penguins make cool noises. Have you ever heard penguins make noises? You probably should. They're epic. I don't really know what to call it so I just get really lame and call it "Making Noises". Like a cat makes cat noises or a dog makes dog noises or a unicorn makes unicorn noises. (Similar to the noises of a horse but sparklier).

6) Penguins have a silly walk. In fact, they could probably join the Ministry of Silly Walks with John Cleese. Maybe they already have. All I know is they look silly and ridiculous when they walk, because they have barely any legs so they have to waddle. They're all pudgy, those penguins. Penguin walking is a skill everyone should master. For a tutorial, watch Mary Poppins and pay attention to the penguins serving lunch, then when Bert tries to dance with them. Note the pulling down of the pants? It comes as no surprise that in a recent poll, people who have the easiest time impersonating penguin walks happen to be teenage boys.

7) Penguins can swim SUPER fast. Like. Really really fast. A penguin is like a bullet. Who cares if they can fly - it just means they can swim under ice for a really really really long time and never have to come up. It's super special and extra magical. Scrumptious, really. But penguins are not good to eat for dinner. They're not that kind of scrumptious. Penguins are friends. And if you hurt them, they'll swim really sneakily under your cruise ship, and then they'll jump up and attack you. So. Don't hurt the penguins.

8) Penguins are great parents. They take care of their kids like nobody's business. See above comment about the cruise ship - if you hurt their babies? They will come get you while you're swimming. They're going to have to make a crossover movie between Jaws and Men In Black. They are going to bring. You. Down. So even more importantly, do not eat the penguin babies. I don't care how scrumptious they look or how many food-adjectives I use (I use a lot, like I use parentheticals.)

9) Penguins have magical powers. I swear on my life. Let's think about it. They are mentioned in the same post as unicorns, they actually are capable of parenting and looking really cool (more so than Kate of the Plus Eight variety) and they can swim really fast and they look really cool and they were alive before the dinosaurs and it really all adds up if you look hard enough. Squint your eyes and tilt your head to the right a little. Penguins are magic, just...trust me. How else would they get on the cruise ship, they can't fly, silly!

10) As I mentioned before, penguins were around before the dinosaurs. They hid it really well so hardly anyone knows but I speak all of the dialects of Penguin and they told me. Their ancestors were much fluffier and they were lots of different colors, but they adapted for camouflage after the dinos showed up because things started getting scary. You wouldn't believe the stories they can tell. Penguins have a very strong oral tradition and they know all the histories of all their ancestors. I mean just look at them, don't they look so wise?

11) Penguins are going to take over the world. This doesn't really need any explanation. They just are. I have several theories for how penguins, myself, and perhaps Harry Potter will all take over the world someday. It's not the kind of thing you need proof of. You just know, deep down in your heart. It's the reason you cry at the end of Titanic. (And if you don't cry at the end of Titanic you're not human.)



Why do YOU love penguins???

CHRIS COLFER WON A GOLDEN GLOBE!!!

My excitement over Chris Colfer's win for his role as Kurt Hummel on Glee merits a post about Glee! Or, more, a post about Chris! I am so excited, still, and it's been a few days. I have loved Glee since the very first episode, and Kurt has been my favorite character since then. Brittany quickly became a second favorite, but I will always have a special place in my heart for Kurt. Which makes Chris' win even more giddy and giggly and amazing and exciting!! And I'm willing to type this post up even though I have homework to finish and the spacebar on this laptop is a piece of crap, because I think talking about Chris and what makes him stand out in the world of celebrities is very important. Not only because I love him, but because he is an icon. He is a recognized role model and inspiration for LGBT youth everywhere. And he's so charming and sweet and wonderful. Also he is a fashion diva, even though he's admitted he's not as risky as Kurt can be.

I feel like an obsessed fangirl but IT'S OKAY! Chris deserves it. He is one of the celebs who I legitimately have nothing bad to say about. From his screen test to his reaction to his Golden Globe win, he has been the same genuine and amazing person. And I really admire that about him. Sometimes it seems like celebrities who get a lot of limelight go crazy, (Lindsay Lohan anyone?) but Chris hasn't changed a bit. During his screentest and preliminary interviews that I've seen on my Glee Season 1 DVD as well as on Youtube, he's this sweet, adorable guy who wins you over right away. Just looking at a quirky smile? You know he's a real person, with a real life, and a real imagination, and he has charisma to boot!

I need to find a new Chris angle to attack because this is starting to feel a little obsessive. I just admire his courage and confidence and everything he stands for. His character has taken some major leaps on TV. He's stood up for himself against bullying, and dealt with it in a very honest way; he's been kissed by a boy; he's come out to his father which was a huge deal for him (Kurt) personally; and he's dealt with the regular ups and downs of a teenage high school life.

I mean, he won a freaking GOLDEN GLOBE for his role, you've got to recognize that he's amazing. He has reduced me to tears with his acting. When Kurt's father was in the hospital, it was more than just a role about being a gay teenager - he had to deal with loss, pain, the possibility of losing the most important person in his life. Having lost my father at a young age and dealing with that loss, I feel I'm definitely in a position to evaluate Chris' performance, and he made me cry. He was so raw and intense when he sang "I Want To Hold Your Hand" that you could tell he was suffering. So now not only has he addressed bullying, homosexuality, equality, and gender roles, but he's dealt with loss. And he's also addressed body image, when he was a Cheerio with Mercedes. The list goes on and on.

But I have to say my favorite thing about Chris Colfer is his incredible sense of humility. He was quite positive that the GG was going to go to Eric Stonestreet - he didn't even get up right away, even though Dianna Agron and Ashley Fink were screaming and cheering for him. Ashley, he said later, actually pulled him up so that he would move to the stage to accept his award. He managed to be funny and charming in his speech because he's funny and charming in every single interview he's ever done. Why is that? Because he ACTUALLY IS funny and charming. And then in the speech where he accepted such a huge and amazing award, when he had so many people to thank and was so excited he "dropped his heart", he dedicated his award to kids everywhere who have been bullied, especially because of their sexuality.

Here is someone who is in a position of power in the pop culture world, and he's out there grabbing it all - and then using it for so much good. He doesn't go "Oh my God I'm so amazing!" he goes "Stop bullying people, we are all equal." (Though if he did take a break to talk about being fantabulous I don't think anyone would judge him, he deserves all the praise he gets.)

And then all this amazing acting aside, all this activism aside, he still has time to actively interact with his fanbase on Twitter. Maybe he doesn't individually respond to everything - because he's busy all the time with his crazy Glee rehearsal schedule and stuff - but right after he won his award, he tweeted: "I can't believe it. I'm not sure how much my shaky hands can tweet, but thank you so much! Couldn't do what I do without you guys!" And in an interview backstage, he said that for the kids out there who don't realize that Kurt isn't real, who think that Kurt is a real person, who are inspired so much by him that he's saved their lives, this is KURT winning an award for everything that he stands for. He is so humble, and so worthy of all this good fortune. It's not even fortune. It's just reward for talent, work, and love.

So I'm going to end this post now because I feel like I'm getting fangirly. Chris Colfer is like the best friend I wish I could have. Not that I don't love my besties, I really do adore them. But Chris would just be such a fun addition. In my dreams, I will pretend I am Dianna. Their friendship is so adorable. Go watch a video of Chris' win right now. Then watch Dianna's reaction, jumping up and down and screaming so loudly. Her reaction was quite similar to mine. Except mine just got a funny look from my sister.

If you don't know who Chris Colfer is, or if you don't watch Glee...you're a terrible person. Well. Not really. I will respect your opinion if you choose not to watch the show. But look up Chris. Give him a nod for everything he's done, because he is truly talented and he is going to go far.

Positive Thought

I haven't posted in a couple of days. I've been sick. And also very distracted. I'm not exactly sure what I was distracted with, I just know I've been distracted. And I haven't been sure what to write about, so I asked my friend Dan for some input. After weeding out his inappropriate suggestions, he asked what the heck I write about anyway. I said "How much I hate Twilight, my problems with reality, and my friends' lives."

He suggested I try some positive thinking. So that's what I'm going to do!

Except I was watching really funny youtube videos and commentary on the Bachelor, until my little sister came in to watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Not that I have a problem with that show, it's actually one of the most positive things I could talk about! I just really was enjoying the videos I was watching, animations of lectures and speeches on white board things.

Then I got distracted looking at prom dresses. An hour has passed, and I have gotten nothing accomplished - not post wise, not knitting-wise on the scarf I'm supposed to be making, not life-wise. Just prom dress shopping wise and I haven't even found THE perfect dress yet. Well - I did. It's just $350. Which I don't have to blow on a gown. Though it is Senior Prom, which is the biggest deal until my wedding for formal occasions. (There are Disney bridal gowns. I am totally wearing a Belle dress when I get married.)


I started writing this post last night then got distracted with Donnie Darko.
Now I'm going to go write a post about the Golden Globes & Chris Colfer.

I Don't Have Time To Waste On Bella

I sat down all excited to write you a post about Bella Swan and how much she irks me. But then I realized I have stuff to get done tonight and that post is going to take way too much time and effort right now. I'll work on it and get it to you when I have time, and the ability to focus. What am I supposed to be doing right now? Finishing a college supplement. Guess who would rather be posting in her blog than writing her college supplement...

Okay that's kind of a lie, I would really love to write the college supplement essays but they're so boring and I can't be all funny because they're about changing the world and I have to be serious so I can get into college and all that super important stuff that's going to impact the rest of my life. So I can't focus as a result. Terrible excuse, I know, but it's a side-effect of choosing not to be on ADD medication.

Therapy was supposed to help with that but we haven't really gotten anywhere strategy wise for dealing with the lack of focus business. I mean it's no big deal. I just stay up really late because I procrastinated, work better under pressure, can't seem to get anything done except escape games and bubble spinner, and gossip about other people. It's super productive. Just not...in a scholarly sort of way.

I have no idea what to write about in this post, I'm sorry it's so terrible. Tillie says I should write about penises. Peni? I don't know how to pluralize penis...But I really don't think that's an effective topic for a blog post. In fact, I'm almost certain it would scare some readers away and I want all my readers to stay. I'll wait til I've got you hooked then shock you later. By this time next year you will probably know my views on religion and politics and the existence of unicorns. (THEY'RE REAL, OKAY?)

You should probably just ignore this post, scroll down, and read about Jacob Black, Yoko Ono, or hopeless romantics. Or Josh working in the hospital. Any of them would be more entertaining than reading this. I'm only posting this because I'm trying to post once a day. And we all know how drizzly that can be. (I think we all do. Sorry if I'm making assumptions.)

I use parentheticals a lot. (I just noticed this.) (.....crap.) I don't know why. But they seem to be very useful for adding my side-thoughts into my posts without completely changing the subject, because as soon as the parenthetical is over, I can simply return to what I was talking about. One problem I'm never sure of however is punctuation. If I have a parenthetical at the end of a sentence, how do I punctuate? (Because see I could do it like this, after the question mark - but then do I just start a new sentence at the end of it?) And then another problem? What if the parenthetical comes at the end of a sentence (because we all know that happens). <<< Does the period go there???? I have NO clue. Parentheses confuse me. But I abuse them shamelessly. I suppose this is a character flaw. Please don't judge me too harshly.

I suppose that is it.
I will try not to disappoint you tomorrow.

Make Me Famous!

I've decided that I want followers on my blog. Badly. I know it's silly to be like, omg famous on the internet! BUT I would at least like to have people being regular readers. Or pretending to be. I know how it is, follow a blog because it makes you laugh then never read it again.

So I'm having a contest! If you read this blog, and like it at all, follow me! Once I have 25 followers, I will put all of your names into a hat and pick one. And that follower will be contacted and interviewed, and I will write a blog post/story/dramatization about their life, making it super funny and interesting. And if your life is already super funny and interesting? Then I'll just make it weird.

SO if you want in on this story-about-a-reader shiz, follow me! It's easy. Go over to the right, scroll down, and click "Follow this blog." Or look at the top and there'll be a "follow" option. I think. Yay! Do it!

Then go listen to Ben Folds, because his music completes my life. And whatever you do, do not read Twilight.

Baby Love, The Creepy Kind

In the long list of things about this world that I just don't understand, Twilight and its plot and characters consume so many spaces on the list that sometimes I think it deserves its own list, "Things I Don't Understand About Twilight." I could write so many posts about these problems that I just keep finding. My plan is to go through my copies of the books (Yes, I am very embarrassed to say I own them. But in a way you should be proud of me, I read every single one before I passed all my judgments. I actually gave them a chance.) with a highlighter and deface them, marking my favorite "problems" to write about here. Trust me, there will be several posts in the future related to Twilight and the other books in the series and why they freak me out.

But the biggest, most glaring problem is something I cannot ignore any longer. Baby love. In Breaking Dawn, there is a scene where Bella has a half-vampire-half-human baby. (Don't even get me started on the baby itself. First of all, if vampires have no blood, how does Edward even get it up to make the baby??) As soon as the dumb baby is born and named after two mother figures' names smushed together (bet they loved that one), there's this moment where Jacob (the emo werewolf who's been in love with Bella the entire series) all of a sudden realizes that he's IN LOVE WITH RENESMEE, the baby. If you go "aww that's cute!" instead of immediately recoiling in horror, something is seriously wrong with you.

Teenager. In love with Bella. Suddenly in love with Bella's baby. So he's just going to sit around and take care of her like a big brother or father figure until she's a legal adult and then BOOM. Time to be in love! (Though you know, Stephenie Meyer clearly has zero understanding of how to portray love in the first place. Bella and Edward's relationship is completely unrealistic.) This is not cute. This is not clever. This is not romantic. This is terrifying. The fact that she's all but condoning statutory rape? Yeah. That's a big, big problem. I don't care if it's imprinting and there was no other way to keep the plot going and keep Jacob involved since Bella has so blatantly rejected him and he can't stand her now that she's a vampire.

I'm not sure what this says about society. There was no huge outcry against it, mostly because the preteen and teen girls reading the books were probably too occupied with thinking "Renesmee" was a cute name and being happy that Bella's voice sounded like bells and she was magically a vampire with no desire whatsoever to pig out on blood to even notice how wrong this entire concept is. The characters frustrate me so much. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Oh my goodness people, by the time she's eighteen Jacob is going to be like...in his thrirties. Well. Almost thirty I think. I forget how old he is. There is a very large age gap. Now I know the older people get the less this age gap matters, but he's only a year or so younger than Bella - he's old enough to be her father. What the hell, S Meyer.

And aside from the freakishness of the situation, how are they going to explain that to the little Nessy when she gets older? "So darling, I love you and all, but once upon a time I kissed your mother and was madly in love with her." She is going to take that one so well. Though her mother may hate her, I'm not sure how that relationship is going to go. Bella is very unpredictable. And clumsy, don't forget. Remind me to talk about that too.

See? There are already so many things I want to explain more about in this post. But I won't because I'll share them later.

Okay. Now I'm mad at the world for reading these books. Rant over. I'm going to go talk to Alex, stalk Cory Monteith on Twitter, and eat some ice cream. Delay in the morning so I get to sleep in!! And I had a smoothie. Goodness gracious it's been a lovely snow day.

Yoko Ono Is Following Me On Twitter

I got a twitter the other day. Yeah. Super fun times. I promptly became addicted, and my favorite youtuber actually messaged me back about something. So now I'm going to knit NicePeter a hat. I'm pretty excited. But THEN I followed Yoko Ono because she's one of my favorite people and I admire her so much, just like I follow all my other celebs who I'm obsessed with. AND SHE FOLLOWED ME BACK.

Now. This doesn't mean I'm super special or anything. Yoko has over a million followers, and she's followed back about 400,000 of them. Ish. So I mean it's like i had a bigger than 1 in 3 chance that she'd follow me back. But I just feel so super cool, like. YOKO ONO KNOWS I EXIST.

I just ended the last two paragraphs with capital letters. And all I can smell is Elmer's Glue because my little sister is doing her project on chimpanzees behind me. Using a lot of glue. And as I sit here, I think to myself - wow. My posts are really lame. (Maybe they're not. But. Hear me out on this.) My logic is as follows - Yokoonoisfollowingmeontwitteromgomgomg. This means that someday she might actually read something I tweet. Which could include a link to my blog. Which means Yoko Ono could possibly read my blog someday. In my dreams... She has way more important things to do like her amazing work.

Yet I'm filled with this need to perform...better. What if people actually start reading this?? They're going to judge me for being so condescending when I'm clearly just a silly teenage girl. Like what do I know about the world? Well I know what I want to do and I know what I don't like. (For example, the whole let's love babies thing in Breaking Dawn) So I mean I hope you'll stick around to read more of my random rants about life. And if you want, I can even tell more stories about Joshua working in the hospital. And my friend Lindsey wants me to write about her life, but I don't know if you want to keep hearing about my friends so I might have to spice things up a little. I will write a post turning her life into a soap opera. Complete with terrible dialogue.

....dude. Twilight would make a hilarious soap opera. I might have to write that up too. It actually sounds kinda like a soap opera. Totally unrealistic and over the top? Yeah. (I'm sorry, Alex! I know you love General Hospital!)

AND SEE NOW I'M PARANOID AGAIN. I feel like people who come to read this blog will see the title and my sidebar and my about me page and expect these hilarious awesome posts about Twilight and soap operas and Taylor Swift and my problems with these terrible influences on society. But then I feel guilty about being mean because not everyone shares my opinion. And then I worry that I'm not funny. And then I worry that everyone will go away.

This wouldn't upset me so much but now I feel like there's a chance someone important might read this. (If you're reading this, consider yourself important because I love my readers!! I have sixty-one hits on this blog. This means someone who isn't a friend of mine has actually read this blog and maybe even liked it! That is pretty freaking cool.) I need to write posts that Yoko Ono would be proud to read. Like, hey here's a fan who knows what's up! But how are you supposed to go around impressing Yoko Ono??? She's incredible, she's broken so many boundaries and achieved so much and overcome so much. I have no idea. Suggestions would be lovely, you know.

And then I remember that I'm just Margaret, a girl from a tiny little town in Massachusetts, and Yoko Ono will probably never read my blog. Which is a bit saddening. But. The pressure is off! So now I can go write posts bashing Twilight to my heart's content.

Battle of the Hopeless Romantic

Once upon a time there was a little girl who didn't feel like doing schoolwork and wanted to write a blog post instead. So she sat down to try to write something that would be funny, but all she wanted to do was curl up in bed and take a very, very long nap. So she settled for something in between, because anything is better than doing classwork, right?

(Just a disclaimer, in case my teacher ever reads this, I am sooo caught up in my work right now that it doesn't even matter.)

I called this post Battle of the Hopeless Romantic because I thought today I could talk about what it means to be a hopeless romantic. Sometimes I think it is a disease that I am inflicted with, and I just need the magic antidote and I'll be fine. I know a boy who expresses zero emotion and makes fun of me when I talk about my feelings too much. I don't really understand him for this. All I want is a romantic gesture every now and again. Granted, he does give them to me - he does/says the sweetest things. But. All said and done, I will always be expecting something bigger or better or more fantastic.

And now there's some kid sitting at the computer next to me so I feel awkward writing about being a romantic. Damn. I'm going to hit return a lot and then write again so if he's a nosy jerk who's going to try to read this he won't get to see anything.


          .







There. Sorry for the multitude of space up there. If you'd like, you can imagine that it's a picture of a polar bear in a snowstorm. I will even go back up and put a little dot you can imagine is his nose. There. Imagine that's the polar bear's nose.

Well. My plans for talking about being a romantic have been shattered. I am going to have to think of something else to talk about. Which might be better anyway becuase I mean really, no one actually wants to read about my life. They'd rather listen to me complain about things. So today I will turn my attention to something that has alays bothered me and probably always will bother me. Celebrity marriages. To quote Donkey from the movie Shrek (which I don't like and will never like), "They never last."

Some of them DO LAST. Okay? It's the ones with problems that get splashed all over the tabloids. Because those sell. Because there's this silly condition in our world where we simply want to hear about other peoples' problems. And it bothers me. I sometimes wish I could just erase tabloids, but then I'd have nothing to amuse me at the doctor's office.

Just kidding. I'm going to talk about Josh. He's telling me about his experiences at the hospital. He was watching a beligerent old man last night. He (Josh) works there. And he was watching this guy, who they all said was "pleasantly confused" but he was apparently not pleasant at all, in fact he was mean. And he (the old guy) wanted to get up. And Josh had to make sure he didn't get up because he'd hurt his foot. But he was being really dumb about it and kept trying to get up. He said he wanted cigarettes, just had to have "smokes". And actually asked Josh for a ride up town to get cigarettes, and asked if Josh smoked. He's in a HOSPITAL. You don't smoke in a hospital.

So that went on for eight hours. It was terrible, Josh said. At 7:30 one of the nurses went in and said he could go home, and then he was a mile away and got called back to watch the same patient. Who didn't remember who Josh was. He thought he was at church where he worked but he was at the hospital and tomorrow he's going to "fire" Josh. Same encounter again, cigarettes and everything.

And then towards 11:00, there's this thing called sundowners where when the sun starts to set elderly people get less all-there and mentally healthy. So he forgot who Josh was again, and was confused and thought he was someone he already knew and that he was home, so he was really nice all of a sudden! Yay! And then yeah.

And then someone came in to watch him for nightshift and Josh said, "Have fun." And he was gone. These are the reasons why I could never, ever work at a hospital. I think I'd have yelled at the man and stormed out. I have zero patience.

That is my story. Actually Josh's story. I hope it entertained you. I basically typed it exactly as he said it out loud but changed the pronouns and I ignord this awkward part about how the guy kept having to go to the bathroom, but wasn't supposed to b/c of some medical term I don't remember but made sense at the time. (Josh left to go back to class. I'm now alone again. And bored.)

This post had nothing to do with romantics. I'm sorry if you were looking forward to that. But you did get to hear a story about a "pleasantly confused" man. And about how much tabloids lie. Because they only talk about what people want to hear...Actually I should expand on that in a later post. I could do it now but I don't really feel like it, because I've probably made you read enough by now.

Toodles!

Dear Wireless Internet

Dear Wireless Internet,

How dare you? You cop out at all the wrong times - when I'm in the middle of compulsively refreshing my stats page to see if anyone is actually reading this blog, when I'm in the middle of an important discussion that needs to be taken seriously and then the other person thinks I'm mad at them, when I'm working on a deadline, when I'm trying to do my college supplements (because I haven't finished all of those yet...go me!)

But today - today was the worst, and I'm afraid you have no excuse. Today has convinced me that you are in fact out to get me, and nothing I can say or do will fix this relationship. I am sitting at the dining room table. No more than two yards away from the modem for the internet. And then I become aware of a problem. My stats page isn't loading. Nor is my friend responding in my conversation.

What could the deal be?? Twitter isn't working either, so I retreat into crisis mode. And then I see it - the telltale red x down at the bottom right of the screen next to the battery icon. The wireless is malfunctioning. But I am so. Close. To. The. Modem. There is NO way it could be any kind of a connection error. Because it's RIGHT THERE.

Oh wireless, why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do to you? Aside from this one angry post I have never been mean to you, usually I try to be patient with you when you have your senior moments. I know you've been our modem for years now but that's no excuse for breaking on me. Because see the thing is, I need you to survive. Internet is my connection to the world. I'm not so sure I'll be okay if you break. Or else I'll just have to start spending a lot more time at the library.

So please, Wireless, stop malfunctioning and just give me my internet...

Love,
Margaret

The Trouble with Hollywood [Endings]

My dear friend Alex, who knows me better than anyone, told me a little anecdote about something that happened to her the other day. She said, "I was walking down the hall, carrying way too much stuff, and this super handsome man came and opened the door for me. This being real life, I didn't register it until I was already through the door and on my way."

We went on to talk about how this was just a jab at how "real life is not like the movies" because if it had been the movies, there would have been one of those moments where he and she looked each other in the eye and there was a connection and then he'd try to win her over with sappy songs and coffee and they'd get married and live happily ever after. Because he was attractive. And we lamented that real life is nothing like the movies because she didn't think about that nor did she make eye contact until it was too late.

THIS IS PROBLEMATIC ON SO MANY LEVELS. First of all, this is in no way an indicator of how Alex and I conduct ourselves on a daily basis. Of course we don't sit around like freaks and compare our lives to movies...we definitely do not plan out our marriages with our celebrity crushes...we most certainly do not waste valuable time daydreaming and planning and plotting how to make these things happen. We're normal..........

Second of all (because even though the first of all wasn't a real problem, I still have to follow it with 'second of all' and I really don't feel like going back to edit out the 'first of all' because I like the way it sounds. So there.) there is a serious problem with the fact that he DIDN'T look her in the eye, make a connection, fall madly in love with her, and spend days on end trying to win her heart over and convince her that his love is sincere, miraculously overcoming the pitfalls of an unnecessarily complicated life story.

Do you see where this is going? The real problem here is how movies have conditioned society to have completely unrealistic expectations about themselves. Mostly me. I started this blog to talk about how much I condemn society for being ridiculous and I'm already a failure. The problem is, I'm as much of a sucker for it as anyone. It's a flaw I will never forgive myself for.

So as I sit here eating the chocolate covered peppermint sticks I'm supposed to put in hot chocolate except I don't really feel like making hot chocolate, I ponder the problem with Hollywood Endings. It is a given that in any romance movie (Except "My Best Friend's Wedding", do NOT sit down with that one expecting an HE. You won't get it) there will be a heroine who has some kind of major crisis in her live, she will conveniently and usually by accident meet the perfect man, she will not want to believe he is perfect at first but he will be madly in love with her and court her persistently, frequently with corny and extravagant gestures of affection, and finally, they would overcome some huge difficulty and realize they're madly in love with each other.

In case you haven't noticed, I have just outlined the plot of several romantic comedies. If you're reading this going, "Oh! That sounds exactly like this movie!" then I hate to break it to you but you too are a sucker for the romcoms. Oh Hollywood, what have you done to our souls?

I don't actually remember where I was going with this post, because it's been worked on over the course of a week. Let me scroll up.

Oh yes.

Hollywood blows. We all walk around living our lives hoping that something romantic and fantastic and amazing will happen that will change our lives forever. But the reality is, if a cute guy stops and holds the door for you, he is simply a cute guy stopping to hold the door for you, not The One. And I haven't decided yet if the fault lies with Hollywood for creating such false expectations, or with life for not living up to them.