Justin Bieber, you're making this very difficult

Dear Justin Bieber,

You are the first official letter I'm writing on my blog. And you should feel pretty special. Usually my letters are on my Facebook status updates and they're to inanimate objects, days of the week, or the creator of FB himself. And this letter is to express my frustration with you. You're making this post very difficult. I always sit down to blog with a general idea of what I'm going to write about, and my post was going to run something like this:

"Justin Bieber. His music scares me because he's scary. He's what, fifteen? Singing about one less lonely girl and how he was like baby baby baby, and he's in music videos with girls who look about ten years older than he does, and it's just horrific. He also has reduced millions of little girls to screaming messes, including my little sister, and it just does not look healthy. (Go on youtube and look up the three year old crying over him. Hilarious yet upsetting.)"

And I was going to go on like that and talk about how much I don't like your songs, how much your lyrics upset me, how much I can't stand your career and the waterbottle incident made me laugh. But I decided that I was going to look you up first and actually find out more about you before I just wrote a blog post about not liking you, and I wish I hadn't. Because Justin the truth is I actually have to admit I kind of respect you. I still hate your music, I still will never listen to it on the radio, I still will try to get my little sister to take your poster down out of her room.

But you apparently worked really hard to get this career, and it's something you've always wanted, and then boom you were discovered! And then the best part is? Now that you're famous you're actually doing some really good things with your money. I know a lot of celebs do this and I shouldn't sit here all surprised because it's the "in" thing to do right now, but it actually seems like you're really genuine about this and I'm pleasantly surprised to find it impossible to actually hate you as a person.

I'm still not going to endorse your music. I'm actually going to finish this post with a song analysis because I want to show the world that I still don't like your music. But Justin Bieber fans, don't take this personally. Justin, don't you take this personally either. Because you're a cool kid. (I can call you "kid" because I'm eighteen. I'm older than you.) Try writing some songs that have a little more depth to them okay? And you should probably not encourage this whole toddlers in love with you thing, because you're quickly turning into an epidemic. You already are an epidemic, you're a bigger problem than Twilight.

Just kidding that's a lie. Twilight will always be the biggest problem out there. Seriously? Stephenie Meyer is the one who needs the lesson about toddlers not being allowed to date the big kids. See the Baby Love post for more about that.

But Justin... just. Keep being a decent person and I'll keep respecting you. As much as it pains me to admit it.

No hard feelings!
Margaret

PS: It still amuses me that my sister's boyfriend was actually convinced that you were really Justina Bieber, and you were a girl. That will always amuse me. 

Justin Bieber Analysis Time
In keeping with the Taylor Swift analysis, I'm going to make the Bieber lyrics pink and italicized. My analysis will be in normal text. Of course it doesn't help that he sounds like a girl.

Alright let's go

Let’s go where? To the movies? To the mall? Roller skating? Alright tell your mom, she can drive us!

There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There’s a lot of repetition here. This is going to be less of an analysis and more of a commentary because there’s really no substance and I honestly don’t feel like responding to every single “One less lonely girl” in the song. It’ll get old really fast. Let me just point out here that Justin Bieber was like… how old, thirteen-ish, when this song came out? And I really don’t think he’s in a position to be singing about one less lonely girl because any girl his age should not be dealing with all of the nonsense about to unfold.

How many "I told you"s and "Start over"s and shoulders have you cried on before?
How many promises? Be honest girl
How many tears you let hit the floor?
How many bags you packed
Just to take them back?
Tell me that how many either "or"s?
Response: What. The. Hell. Preteen girls shouldn’t be dealing with this because they are thirteen years old. This is wrong. You should agree with me on this because you just should. Yes, I had major crushes when I was a silly little girl. But they weren’t serious enough to merit heartbreak and devastation on a legitimate level.

But no more if you let me inside of your world
There'll be one less lonely girl
How is she supposed to know you’re serious, because you’re writing a song about her? As you’d see if you read my post about Taylor Swift, writing songs about someone does not make you legitimate or serious. So. Prove it. (Leaving a treasure hunt for a clearly older girl in a music video doesn’t count either.)

(Oh oh) Saw so many pretty faces before I saw you (you)
Now all I see is you
I'm coming for you (I'm coming for you)
You just rhymed “you” with “you” and “you” – and there’s an echo! Clearly this song shows that J Biebz has lots of experience with those pretty faces, so be careful!

(No no) Don't need these other pretty faces like I need you
And when you're mine, in the world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
I’m sure you’re totally serious here. Completely. It’s just a little silly. At least you threw in “other” so the girl you’re singing to knows you really mean it when you call her a pretty face. This is exactly what girls like, being appreciated for their faces alone. You’re almost as bad as Taylor Swift.

I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
(I'm coming for you)
I'm gonna put you first
(I'm coming for you)
I'll show you what you're worth
That's what I'm gonna do
If you let me inside of your world
There'll be one less lonely girl
I don’t know if this song would make me want to let Justin Bieber inside of my world – this chorus is the same things he’s been saying over and over again. This is repetition, this is what I yelled at a kid in my class for the other day. Repetition is a very effective literary device, but not for an entire song. Okay?

Christmas wasn't merry, 14th of February not one of them spent with you
There is more to Christmas than having a boyfriend. And Valentine’s Day is overrated. Now not only are you being creepy, but you’re promoting the superficiality of holidays. Yay America!

How many dinner dates, set dinner plates

And he didn't even touch his food
Maybe he has an eating disorder?

How many torn photographs are you taping back?
So wait she’s taken back these guys who are awful to her? Yeah great. She’s really a keeper if she never learns that the bad guys are the bad guys.

Tell me that you couldn't see an open door
But no more, if you let me inside of your world
There'll be one less lonely girl
I wonder how many of those other guys who hurt this girl made the same promises that Justin Bieber is making right now?

(Oh oh) Saw so many pretty faces before I saw you, (you)
Now all I see is you
I'm coming for you (I'm coming for you)
(No no) Don't need these other pretty faces like I need you
And when you're mine in this world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl

There’s really nothing here. No substance. This is why I don’t like choruses in songs, they really create problems when I’m trying to analyze and respond. There’s nothing new to deal with here, and since the verse hasn’t changed its tone I can’t even take away some new deeper meaning. And modulation doesn’t count.

I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
(I'm coming for you)
I'm gonna put you first
(I'm coming for you)
I'll show you what you're worth
That's what I'm gonna do
If you let me inside of your world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl

I can fix up your broken heart (heart)

It’s so necessary to repeat everything after you say it, isn’t it? Makes it so much more effective.
I can give you a brand new start (start)
Another one? You already told her she has had to many “start over”s.

I can make you believe (ya)
I just wanna set one girl free to fall (free to fall)
One girl free to fall? Sounds like you’re settling, Justin.

She's free to fall (fall in love)
With me
Of course she is but will she? You probably sound just like everyone else. I’ve pointed this out already. I’m really starved for material here.
Her heart's locked and know what I got the key
I'll take her and leave the world with one less lonely
I hate it when in songs the narrative is changed from 2^nd to 3^rd. Now are you talking to a new girl? How is this going to make the first girl feel??? I don’t even get it. Chorus/verse do not sync up.

There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
One less lonely girl
I’m just going to start deleting choruses out of the song they’re really making this difficult.

I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl [x3]
There's gonna be one less lonely girl

(I'm coming for you)
I'm gonna put you first
Totally going to put her first. That’s all you need to do.

(I'm coming for you)
I'll show you what you're worth
That's what I'm gonna do
By writing a terrible song about her?

If you let me inside of your world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl

I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl (yeah yea) [x2]
I'm coming for you, one less lonely girl
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
(I'm coming for you)
I'm gonna put you first
(I'm coming for you)
I'll show you what you're worth
That's what I'm gonna do
If you let me inside of your world
There's gonna be one less lonely girl
We’re done. I have nothing more to say. This is such a boring song.

Only you shawty (haha)

You laugh and say shawty at the end of a song. Urban Dictionary defines “shawty” as a “FINE ASS GIRL” in all capital letters. It’s also said to be a term of endearment, but honestly the only term of endearment coming to mind is the line from that song – Trying to find a word to describe this girl without being disrespectful, but damn who’s a sexy bitch. (Because that is so respectful.)

This is definitely going to make some girl fall in love with you. Look, it already made little girls fall madly in love with you. Good job, Justin Bieber.